I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
