I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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