Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
