the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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