Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
