i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
