Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
