So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
