You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
