oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
