honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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