you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
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well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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