I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
