So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
