if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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