watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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