I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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