I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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