Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
