I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
A+ Viking dick
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
