The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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