I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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