After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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