y did u give ur computer a hand job?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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