if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
