how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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