I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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