I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
