i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
