I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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