Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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