4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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