got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
