hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
