I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.