i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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