So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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