I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
