Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
