my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing