if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
