my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
