matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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