I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
