do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
