I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
