Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
