She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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