u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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