I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
