Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
