the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
