Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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