it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
